So what are you supposed to do when life changes too fast for your liking? Are you supposed to a. hold on tightly, clinging to any shred of normalcy you can find (real or imagined), acting like the control freak you really don't want to become, but are afraid you're turning into; b. become a passive participant  by letting go of the proverbial reins and hoping the fates have some great ideas for your future (and that they'll be revealed to you through no work of your own, maybe in some insightfully amusing and colorful dream sequence); or c. bake bread. I think you're supposed to bake bread. Thats what I'm doing this afternoon anyways. Its probably what I'll be doing many Thursday afternoons until I feel like I'm good at bread baking and until I feel like my life has some sort of structure on which I can rely. Yup. Feel free to throw me your favorite bread recipe. I'll make 'em all! If I'm feeling particularly adventurous, maybe cheese making will be a fun activity too, although that seems overwhelming until I've been given a visual tutorial and purchased a microwave. Knitting has yet to happen as well. "Failure" is how I'm self-identifying at the moment. I'm feeling so painfully self-conscious about walking into a knitting store and purchasing tools I have no idea how to use. Pathetic? Yes. Should I just suck it up and pay the $50 for two Saturdays worth of knitting classes? Yes. *Sighs like her mother* I will.... when I find $50 and some self-confidence.

I don't have to tell you how stupidly the events of the past few months have played out. If you're reading this you already know. If you don't know, then really.... you don't want to. You're better off in the dark. I wish I was still in the dark, actually. The essential questions of "Who am I? Who do I want to become? Where do I want to go and what exactly should I be doing there?" and (my personal favorite) "How the hell will I ever figure all this out before I die?" have been racing through my mind during all waking (and even sleeping) hours. I have no answers. I have no more answers than I did before I left home for Kansas. I have even less answers than when I left Kansas and drove the rest of the way across the country. In fact, I have more questions about life than I think I'll ever have answers for. Sometimes the question, "What's for dinner?" seems overwhelming. Not that my life is particularly hard, mind you. I'm just stuck. Stuck between wanting a life full of key ideals and not being sure how to get there. I'm at A and I want to get to B (or somewhere near B.... wherever B is... C or D would be ok too) and having NO IDEA what is between the two points or how to even go about closing the gap.  Please, universe, reassure me that I do, in fact, have a right to be here.

Life hasn't been all bad, though. No, no. I have a job interview next Wednesday for a teller position at Wells Fargo, given to me by one of my fabulous regulars who frequents Specialty's once or twice a week. Drew and I went to the Hardly, Strictly, Bluegrass Festival in Golden Gate Park (for free!) a few weekends ago and saw some seriously soul-healing music. I didn't even care that I had to see the Indigo Girls by myself.... I sang along with every other stinky lesbian there. We drank bottles of wine, ate strawberry muffins, and visited with Brian, Mary, and another "couple" friend of theirs Jamie and John (who are also from the South! Dixieland represent! hahaha, soo just kidding. They're from Blairsville, GA [yes, laura and emily, she does know Carter, Colin, Clayton, Kathy, and the infamous Travis Adams] and Jacksonville, FL exactly). Drew's sister came for a visit and we had a great time. I'm impatiently awaiting the arrival of some of my family, due out here in November. I can't wait to see them! Hopefully at Christmas time, I'll be curled up back at home with everyone too. Our garden has been pretty successful too... harvest highlights down below:

The first ripe one! Finally!

The last cucumber of the season

Beans!

Eggplant!

Oh wait.... we didn't grow the cat, but she is awfully cute

When we find a house like this in Costa Rica, we'll know its time to move in. This is my piggy bank from Wells Fargo when I opened my account with them 

The final harvest. 

The Monster Zucchini! It really was bigger than a bread box and it took us a LONG time to eat

So, we'll see what the next few months hold. Until I have some major revelations, I'm just going to bake bread.